So, it appears (much to our surprise) that we will be expecting a new addition to our family sometime around the new year. No joke, I really am pregnant again. At this point I figure I am about 14’ish weeks.
I have always wanted to write about one of my pregnancies. But I have this nervousness early on. Who to tell, who not to. Most of this nervousness stems from the experience I had during my third pregnancy. The one between Alex and Addie.
You see, I have actually been pregnant four times already. Just one of those sweet babes is already waiting for me in heaven. A lot of people know that I had a miscarriage. Because back then there was no fear, no worry of what might happen.
When we found out we were pregnant that time we joyfully shared the news, with pretty much everyone. But then, at nine weeks I started spotting. Within a day the joy of having a new baby was ripped from me. I was crushed. We hadn’t planned that baby either, and it even came at a very hard time in our marriage and in our lives. But, she or he would have been welcome and loved.
I don’t know how many times I have sat down to write about my miscarriage, always freezing because, what I went through was hard, and horrible. It is also something that few people wish to know about. I mean really what do you say to someone going through a miscarriage? Even from the other side I’m not sure I know the answer.
I certainly leaned the hard way that those (even those close to me) had a hard time understanding my grief. I do know they were all trying in the only ways they knew how. But in those hard hours they didn’t know what to say or how to comfort. And because of that experience I would guard a new pregnancy as long as I can to avoid the pain… if something were to happen.
In my head I’ve written a hundred times about what it is like to have a miscarriage, I have in my heart screamed about what things to not say to someone in that situation. But now three years has passed and my heart has had time to process and to heal. I don’t think anything I could write about would really help.
But I will share this.
At nine weeks I lost a baby. Not tissue, not a fetus – a baby. with all the genetic qualifications to be a person.
I do not know why. I know it was awful.
I chose to have and was able to have a natural miscarriage, instead of opting for medical interventions. And in that experience there was healing for me.
I chose to bury that baby.
I chose to grieve…. for months.
I chose a way to remember.
And we chose to try again. And by Gods grace we were able to have our beautiful, vibrant, larger than life Adelina.
So partly because of her I want to let go a little sooner. Maybe because of her I see that the loss of one life sometimes opens the door for another. Hard as that may be, I trust that God will keep that life I bore too early, safe in His arms for me to meet on the most perfect day.
Even with another healthy baby born. I still choose to protect those first weeks. Though this time not so much out of fear of the “what if?” But, because those early weeks are precious, and precarious (if you have ever had morning sickness you know what I mean.) Those early days of new life for me need time. Time to reflect, time to adjust, time to embrace, and time to fall in love.
So, today I smile that the days I hold to myself are over. Sure, nothing is certain. Scary things are still possible. But now, I will smile and embrace joy as we walk forward in yet another adventure with a new life.