Ever since I started blogging I have dreamed of blogging about one of my pregnancies. Taking you unsuspecting readers along for the ride. After all for the last 8 or so years pregnancy and birth have been such a pivotal part of my life. These experiences have shaped and molded me both emotionally and spiritually (and to be quite frank, there have been a few physical changes as well – ahem.) Still my dream of chronicling it all has eluded me as each time I realized all too quickly that I am just not that kind of pregnant lady.
You know the one. She who can do morning sickness and still count it all joy.
She who sails into her second trimester in victory and awe of the miracle within her.
The girl who eagerly anticipates the arrival of her sweet bundle of joy and does all the preparation and nesting while still finding time to exercise and write.
Oh, how I admire that girl.
But, like I said, I have realized that I am just not that girl. And slowly I am coming to grips with it. At first feeling really sad that I just couldn’t live up to my own “ideal pregnant lady” standard. Truly, I am no perfectionist. I hope I never put on that kind of air. I know God has made me to be me. Long ago I set the goal to be real before being good at anything. If I ever share anything, I want it to be honest. Good…or bad.
But, for some reason I just couldn’t seem to let go of the idea that I had to have this perfect grace during pregnancy.
The fact of the matter is… When I’m pregnant, I’m sick. Like, been-on-the-boat-too-long, puke-your-brains-out-sick for the whole first trimester. During that time, I loathe the child within me. I mean, I love him/her, but mostly I loath what is happening to my body.
As I crawl back to land… er, get into my second trimester, I fret. I worry about everything. How the baby is growing, how the kids will handle yet another sibling. How I am going to cope. How I am going to have the strength to push another living thing out of my body… You get the idea.
And as I round the corner into my third trimester I cry. Hysterically apparently. Just the other night I started laughing for no real reason…and then collapsed into a heap of tears that brought raised eyebrows from my poor helpless husband and fear from my daughter. Yes, I really was that crazy pregnant lady. Oh, and at my last Midwife appointment my dear sweet midwife who congratulated me on making it 2/3’s of the way, then had to console me as I sobbed… about nothing.
So, why share all this now? Because despite all the misery and the tears, I know. I mean I really do know (this 4th time around) that it will all work out how it is supposed to. I know I cannot guarantee there won’t be complications. But I also know it is not worth it to dwell on them. I know I have done my homework. I know this birth will be as different as can be from the others.
In the next few weeks I will write a birth plan, because I know it pays to be prepared. But, I will also once again include under the section for ‘Complications’ my typical request, “In the case of complications, please just keep us in the loop. We’ll get through it together.”
And, I’ll continue to pray, and seek Gods strength to get through this wonderful/horrible time. I will trust Him to work it out. One day I will have no doubt that it was all worth it. It always is.
Oh! I have learned one thing that I think has a direct correlation to my emotional state this time around:
When having a December 25th due date, one can expect to have slight anxiety at the thought of a new baby and needing to finish Christmas shopping all on the same count down. :)